To the panda fan club, shame on you!

Shame on you if you are among the 500,000 plus who have racked your brains trying to give her the coolest name. Shame on the judges who selected those four names for the final round to be decided by a public vote: Kwan Thai (Thai Darling), Lin Ping (Mother's name plus a Chiang Mai river's name), Thai Jeen (Sino-Thai) and Yingying (Complete and fertile). C'mon, you can do better.

And even British Ambassador Quinton Quayle's creativity cannot erase his sin of joining the bandwagon. Kudos to him, anyway, for coming up with a name which is so uniquely Thai. The two words - Mee Mee (We've got a bear) - can only be written the same way in English, but they sound totally different when pronounced. How awesome is that?

The first "mee" has a middle tone whereas the second "mee" must be said with a sharply rising inflection, like when soccer players do when they try to act innocently when a referee catches them with a nasty foul. "Who? Meee?" Yes, that sound. There you go.

Lastly, shame on me. Call me a hypocrite but I couldn't help it. Too late, I know, but here are my proposals anyway. And too bad if you don't like any of them. "Thai Jeen" has made it to the last round, for crying out loud.

Ma Fanwo. The name means "Leave me alone". This doesn't need much explanation. If I were the panda and someone asked me how I would like to be called, this would be the first thing that comes to my head. What else would you say if your growth is measured everyday and every new millimetre of your teeth has to be on the front page and evening news?

Wo Shishui. The translation is "Who am I?" If you don't like "Leave me alone", here's a philosophical name. It begs the question "Who are the real Thai people?" which, of course, has been bugging me. Who are we, really? The political animals who will stop at nothing until our goals are met, who can't agree with anything their opponents do or say, or the 500,000-strong care-free panda fan club?

Bieta Yingnie. Now that we are at it, let's give the cute little thing a cute political name. If you put "Thaksin" and "Newin" together, this is possibly how it looks like in Chinese. Now, we have to be prepared for a potential hiccup. What if the panda baulks at this one and says, "You'd better shoot me."

Wen Toujiang. Admittedly, here's a name with a personal agenda. The only thing that bothers me more than "Thai Jeen" reaching the last round and poised to give its inventor Bt1 million plus a car and a free trip to China, is the fact that mobile-phone operators are making big bucks through hypes once again. I'm not complaining about the use of postcards, as it helps keep mailmen's jobs.

Oh, almost forgot the translation. It means "Text top prize" or "SMS jackpot"

Gong Chemi. Now, let's do it Red Indian style. When the baby panda was born, the biggest issues of the time in Thailand were how to buy new buses and resell rice. This name simply means "Bus, Rice". A little problem with this is, if his government collapses because of either of them, Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva will never join the panda's first birthday party. If it survives its admirers to that day, that is.

Lao Tianye. This name, I believe, would truly reflect the baby panda's feeling if it knew that - after all the media frenzy over the past few weeks - it will be put on a real public show early next month. English translation is "My Goodness" or "Please God, No!" or, indirectly, "Where are all the animal rights activists, for Christ's sake!!". As you wish.

Writer's note: This article received a big, big help from my colleague Dr Simon Johnstone, our editorial department's linguistic guru. I'm telling you this because if any Chinese language expert out there spots a mistake, they'll know who to blame. But if you like the names, thank you very much.