Thai Lite

Published on November 9, 2007

I've been studying a new religion that has been creating a quite a stir lately. It's called Enchiladism, because its followers believe that the universe is shaped like an enchilada, which is slowly being unrolled by a deity in the form of a giant panda named Bob.

Einstein believed that the universe was expanding, not unrolling, which just goes to show how much HE knew.  To be fair, though, I don't know how anybody could expect Einstein to be right all the time with a haircut like that.

Einstein's error was caused by his pathetic dependence on the inexact science of mathematics, instead of going with what made him feel good. Enchiladism's founder, the prophet Pancho Mendoza, always went with what made him feel good. That is how he happened to discover the truths of Enchiladism in a burst of enlightenment after several bottles of tequila, three hits of LSD, and a dozen snorts of cocaine in the back room of a beer hall in Durango, Mexico, on a sweltering July afternoon in 1984.

Sceptics have raised a question about Bob, who has been unrolling the universe with great interest. They want to know what he'll do with it once it finishes unrolling.

Unfortunately, we don't know. Enchiladist theologians have been wrestling with this question ever since Prophet Pancho received his revelation on that holy afternoon in 1984. It has given rise to three schools of Enchiladist eschatology.

The Big Gulp theory holds that Bob will eat the universe, and we'll all be dead. The Big Rollback theory claims that Bob will inspect his handiwork and roll it back up.  In that case, we'll also be dead.  The Big Bamboo theory says that Bob will lose interest and amble off to some other dimension to find some bamboo shoots, which are what he REALLY likes to eat.

Sceptics will scoff at the idea of a panda unrolling an enchilada, but don't forget: Bob is a deity.  Deities can do some mighty remarkable things. And it's a good idea not to question them too closely, because they're bigger than we are.

Now, the area where this amazing new religion really shines is in its theory of the afterlife. This is a complex, sophisticated doctrine that makes other religions look primitive by comparison. It holds that unbelievers will go to hell, but that believers will ascend to a heavenly paradise called Salsa, where each of them will be given 365 virgins to enjoy for all eternity.

That's one virgin for each day of the year, with an extra thrown in as a bonus on leap years.

Critics have complained that this is a smutty sensualist's paradise that glorifies sexual immorality. But there's a catch. For every major sin that the believer committed during his lifetime, one virgin will be deducted from his total stash. This wise dictum ensures that believers will behave with impeccably morality during their earthly sojourn.

Critics also ask if these virgins are wizened 96-year-old hags. The answer is no. They are all young and obscenely beautiful, putting contemporary sex goddesses like Paris Hilton, Jessica Alba and Angelina Jolie to shame.

Well, then, the critics cavil, what happens after the believer has run through the whole lot? Is he then stuck with 365 used-up virgins for the rest of eternity? Or is he issued a new batch?

The answer is that he is stuck with the same batch, but they have self-renewing hymens to ensure their perpetual virginity.

Feminists, who rarely share the male obsession with virgins, have demanded to know what rewards women will receive in the afterlife. They'll be glad to learn that each female believer will receive 365 supremely handsome toy boys, all eclipsing Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise and George Clooney in manly beauty.

Thus Enchiladism not only satisfies feminist objections—it also champions a concept of gender equality that no other religion can beat.

But alas, the critics don't know when to quit.  In 1985, certain heretics claimed that Prophet Pancho's inspiring vision of the afterlife occurred because somebody slipped Viagra into his tequila. This abominable lie was quickly scotched by the execution of the blasphemers. Enchiladists defend their faith fiercely, and do not permit error to flourish.

There is also much to be written about Enchiladist amulets, but that will have to await a future column.

S Tsow  

S Tsow can be flamed at stsow@yahoo.com, but not while he's still trying to work out a marketing plan for Enchiladist amulets.