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Published on November 4, 2007

Cat says

Until recently, most people thought counsellors or therapists were strictly for people one short of a congregation - mad, in other words. Or else they considered the idea totally American, no offence meant. Once upon a time no self-respecting man or woman would ever have considered paying someone to listen to their intimate life issues.

Even now, many may be reluctant to consider counselling for personal, family or marital problems. Well, you are not alone. However, it is important to recognise that counselling with a trained professional can be useful for dealing with challenges and life crises.

Over the past decade or so there has been better understanding of the roles of professional counsellors and therapists, and their services have become more popular in most developed countries, and many developing ones too.

Personally, I have seen more and more couples going to counsellors with their marital problems. For instance, one of my girl friends - who has been seeing a counsellor for her marital difficulties for a couple of years - recently become a counsellor herself. I suppose it's always helpful talking to someone who has had the self-experience.

Though I've never taken the talking cure myself, I'm a firm believer that when it comes to life's complications, it is important to seek help early from a professional. Counselling isn't just for neurotic or weak people, it's actually for anyone who may be able to benefit from an outside, objective and expert perspective.

There are many types of expert, each providing specific services to meet different needs. Many people's first question is, what's the difference between a counsellor, a psychologist and a psychiatrist? Well, to my knowledge, all three can provide psychotherapy. The terms psychologist and psychiatrist are often used interchangeably to describe anyone who provides therapy. But while psychologists and psychiatrists both conduct psychotherapy and research, there are considerable differences between the two. To put it in simple terms, a psychiatrist is a medical doctor, and is able to prescribe drugs; a psychologist has completed a doctoral degree in psychology, typically either a PhD or a PsyD; and a counsellor normally has a degree in psychology or social work, or they can also be trained to provide psychotherapy.

Recently I met a regular reader of our column, whose husband happens to be the school counsellor at Harrow International School here in Bangkok. I was most impressed to hear Harrow has an in-house school counsellor, a vital position that I believe every school should provide. I have known children who have benefited enormously from seeing a counsellor at their schools. And there should be no stigma attached: Your child doesn't have to be a problem one in order to see a counsellor.

A professional school counsellor is a certified or licensed educator trained in school counselling with special qualifications and skills to address student academic, personal and social development needs and help children maximise their achievements. Counsellors know how to listen, and can help kids with life's challenges. They are experts in helping youngsters solve problems, make decisions and stand up for themselves.

School counsellors can also have a role in helping children overcome the many anxieties they are prey to. Exam anxiety is almost universal. In fact, it's unusual to find a student who doesn't approach a big test without a high level of stress. School counsellors are there to oversee and help students better define how emotional stress and anxiety affect learning and academic performance. I've known many children who have gained hugely by seeing a school counsellor to overcome these apprehensions.

Alternatively, they can always talk to their parents.

Nat says

 I like the term "counsellor". It covers a broad spectrum                                                                 of services. One can be something as harmless as a camp counsellor, for instance. Camp counsellors are basically educational-activities directors who make sure children stay out of trouble. We've seen them in countless Hollywood movies where parents, eager to get some relief during the school holidays, send their children away for a few months. The goal is ostensibly to teach their children to be independent, but we all know the truth. Children are sent away to keep their parents from going insane.

Insanity is, of course, the other end of the spectrum when in comes to the term counsellor. In almost any Woody Allen film made during his glory days with Diane Keaton and Mia Farrow, a counsellor was a euphemism for therapist. The reason that interpretation of the term counsellor seems so dangerous is that therapists offer services for people who need help, you know ... coping.

Having grown up in the West, I'm a firm believer in therapy. And, yes, when I came back to live in Thailand after decades spent abroad, I really, really, really needed help coping.

Some people are embarrassed to admit this. It is as if there is something wrong with you if you can't manage on your own. It's as if you're insane. But the whole idea of counselling is that you have recourse if you can't cope. If the method you have of dealing with difficult situations isn't working, a good counsellor will be able to recommend alternatives.

In Thailand, we are meant to tam jai, to make up our minds to accept our fates. And, as a fervent Buddhist, that is one of my goals. After years without success, I finally have been able to meditate.

This doesn't mean, however, that I no longer see the value in a counsellor. Meditation is a personal thing. I practise it in order to get closer to attaining peace of mind and detachment. But if I were to have trouble relating to loved ones or family, a counsellor is invaluable in helping us to compromise.

A friend - who believes not in therapy but in Prozac - had no patience for me. "You should be turning to your family in times of trouble," she declared.

I suppose that's true. But what do you do when the reason you need therapy, er, counselling, in the first place is to get help coping with your family?

We in Thailand live at close quarters. One can't just decide to move out of the family compound one day without causing a fuss. We have to learn to live with each other. While that entails a lot of tam jai, counselling helps with family members who, though disputing, have genuine love for one another and truly want to reach a compromise. Through counselling, we can learn to communicate productively.

By adopting both methods, one can be both passive and proactive in the way one copes with trouble. Accepting as much as one can by letting go is a good overall policy, but engaging a third party to help settle conflict is good, too.

Lest anyone think I have more problems with my family than most people, I have to say that I have probably encountered no more difficulties than any other Thai who has returned after a lifetime abroad. The difference, I would say, is that I've managed to solve most of them, not only with my family but also at work.

It would do us all good to get counselling when we need it.

Want an opinion on something? Cat and Nat can be contacted at

NnaSWild@aol.com.