• 
• 

Published on October 17, 2007

 Then, I came across a soccer Web board thread in which the posters tried to imagine what their favourite players would be if they hadn't been born footballers. They came up with quite funny "altered selves" for soccer stars, yet managed to reflect quite well on their current personalities.

Our editorial department has thus done a little exercise and come up with the following answers to the question: what would our leading political figures be if the Creator had decided to make them something else? (If you don't agree with the results, we won't apologise for failing to amuse you. Instead, we dare you to send your own input on the comment section if you are reading this from our website.)

Abhisit Vejjajiva: There were a lot of suggestions in the newsroom, but I like the idea that the young Democrat leader is somewhat like a stiletto heel.

"He's something nice and glamorous but the problem is we can't 'wear' him every day," one editor explained. "And worse still, spending too much time on high-heels can hurt your feet and back."

Admired by many in the foreign community but unproven locally, our potential next prime minister is a tempting object in a glamorous showcase - a must-have for some but too much of a luxury for others.

Samak Sundaravej: An actor, pure and simple. We did try to think of something flashier, but how else could you describe a man who can play an ultra-rightist politician who oppresses freedom one day and then becomes someone who puts Aung San Suu Kyi to shame the next. An actor he certainly is, but a good or bad one is up to you to decide.

Prachai Leophairatana: Given the TPI fiasco, his wealth of on-field economic experience, his never-say-die attitude and burning desire to practise his "expertise" on a national scale, the Matchima Party's leader could have been born an unstable atomic scientist aspiring to use his knowledge for world peace.

Chavalit Yongchaiyudh: He's different things to different people  like a pair of old shoes to Abhisit's supporters. To me he appears like a typical insurance salesman who always keeps coming back to haunt you with wonderful "new proposals" and all the feel-good stuff. Not only is he a broken record, he keeps forgetting what he says.

Chalerm Yoobamrung and sons: The most courteous comparison in the newsroom likens them to time bombs. You never want to have anything to do with them during peacetime, but they always assert their relevance at times of war.

And it doesn't matter when and where you have them in your possession, because the chances of getting blown up yourself while your enemies are laughing are always 50-50.

Sonthi Boonyaratglin: Frodo from "The Lord Of The Rings"  for volunteering to dispose of the evil ring but becoming too attached to the mission, thus threatening to jeopardise it. The jury is still out, though, regarding whether this Frodo will irreversibly turn into Gollum.

Surayud Chulanont: Due to his steadfast "Election must be held in December" stand, this interim prime minister could be Sam, Frodo's unambitious, honest, but not-so-bright aide who just wants to get the job done and go home.

Prasong Soonsiri: A chess-playing supercomputer beat the other editorial nominations, including movie special-effects expert.

The supercomputer won the day because it is cold, heartless, ruthless, always strategic and forever obsessive about beating its enemies. In addition, everyone is its enemy.

Snoh Thienthong, Suwat Liptapanlop, Suvit Khunkitti and the likes: These second-tier politicians could have been make-up artists. They help make whoever they support look temporarily good, and they operate without discrimination.

When nobody hires them, they can provide themselves with their own services.

Sondhi Limthongkul: Much more than a painter, he could have been a renowned hypnotist by all counts. There aren't so many people on this planet who, in a period of five years, have been able to convince us that, first, Thaksin Shinawatra was the best thing since sliced bread, then that he was the biggest evil Thai politics had ever seen, then that the men who put Thaksin away were white knights, and then that they were, in fact, dirty rotten scoundrels.

Thaksin Shinawatra: If he had been born an illusionist, David Copperfield would have still been playing at nightclubs.

The ability to make blatant things unseen, or make people see different things in the same objects, including himself, could have made Thaksin the biggest cult figure in world history.

Tulsathit Taptim

The Nation