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Published on July 21, 2007

Here below, an exclusive for The Nation gathered from a completely unreliable source, is a list of these proposals:

The £30 beer scheme

Thaksin, to truly prove how much of an understanding he has for Man City supporters, has planned his very own "£30 Beer Scheme". £30-Beer vouchers will be handed out to all Man City supporters at Thaksin-designated pubs each time the team puts in a completely lousy performance and gets thrashed. After getting blasted it is hoped that supporters will wake up with such a hangover the next morning that they will forget all about the dismal defeat.

Morale boosters

Should Man City for some bizarre reason go on a three-match losing streak, supporters will be admitted to the next game free of charge. There will even be lucky draws at the end of each game, with a few dozen lucky punters winning a seven-day paid holiday to London, staying at one of Thaksin's very own fully furnished luxury apartments. Not one to forget the kids, Thaksin has advised that life-size inflatable dolls of himself be given to all children of club supporters. Furthermore a brand new video-game, "Thaksin's Travels", will be handed out. Kids will be enthralled by the game's objective - navigating through the world's capitals with the hassle of carrying 223 large suitcases.

Away travels

As knowledgeable as Thaksin is, it didn't take him long to find out about the extortionate cost of public transport in England, which might keep Man City supporters from turning out in force at away games. Coming to the rescue, he plans to offer Man City supporters free rides on his own private fleet of super VIP buses. Loyal fans on board will again be treated to crates of beer while enjoying videos of Thaksin's splendid on-stage performances back in his home country.

The Thaksin "Real life in Man City" reality show

In a truly amazing plan, unheard of before in the history of football, Thaksin plans to air his very own three-day TV reality show. Set in a working-class district of Manchester, the show will feature 24-hour coverage of Thaksin living like a local.

Man City faithful will be encouraged to come to visit him directly to voice their opinions on club strategy and discuss its future with the new owner. To prove how much of a truly local lad he really is, Thaksin won't bother taking a bath, will feast on greasy fried eggs, chips and baked beans and will start every conversation with a complaint about the darned weather.

Helping the poor

Everyone knows just how much Thaksin cares for the poor, and he will soon be proving his devotion to the underprivileged in Manchester too. After visiting all of Manchester's slummy areas and listening to the grievances voiced by old-age pensioners, single mothers and drunkards, he has promised to dole out handsome cash sums from his very own wallet. For the homeless and those in financially dire straits, Thaksin has further promised to build several "super cheap" housing estates with gaffs available for rent at just £5 a month!

Exclusive Thai visa service

Proven Man City faithful will be eligible for exclusive 90-day on-arrival visas to Thailand without having to show any daft ticket out of the country. Should any fan wish to stay in the country longer than that, he will, on only having to prove membership to a Man City fan club, be able to apply for a one-year 'Non Immigrant T' visa. There will even be a special "Man City supporters" immigration booth set up at airports so that fans will be able to walk straight through, avoiding the hassle of having to queue up for more than an hour. Thaksin-supporting airport taxi-drivers will be on hand to give discounted rides into town.

Heavenly influence

Thaksin has proven on various occasions his belief in heavenly goings on, so he will soon be hiring a couple of Thailand's most revered fortune-tellers to advise him on tactical strategies. Even though a few local fans may be mystified at such tactics, Thaksin is looking to bring in 99 monks to give their blessing before the start of each game and sprinkle holy water on the opponents' goal. It has not, as yet, been confirmed, but the chances are players will be asked to adorn a new set of blessed Jatukam-Thaksin amulets while on the field.

Selling Man City to the world

A natural-born businessman of the highest calibre, Thaksin will, unlike most naive British club-owners, be turning Man City into one of the world's most watched and supported teams. To gain immense popularity at the global level, Thaksin has vowed to buy the services of local football stars from the likes of China, India, Indonesia and even Afghanistan. Whether they turn out to be completely hopeless does not matter, but huge satellite "pay-to-view" deals do.

Fair play

Thaksin, being the renowned advocate of fair play that he is, has vowed to crack down on any inept half-blind referees who make pathetic last-minute penalty decisions in order to impede the progress of Man City. To promote Thaksin as the man with the cleanest hands in the world of sport, his lobbying friends in the US will even have America's very own David Beckham applauding Thaksin over there, as a revolutionary in the area of anti-corruption in sports.

I, for one, wish Thaksin the very best of luck.

Stephen Cleary

The Nation

SUPHAN BURI

Stephen Cleary is the co-founder of www.thai-blogs.com.