New Year's Eve

 The horrifying photos of Saddam Hussein's execution greeted me at the coffee table. Should I deserve better on the morning of New Year's eve?

7.30pm: Boom! The breaking TV news just blew away my festive spirit. Violence was knocking on everyone's door.

My little one, 11, was about to leave for a private party at a Chao Phya riverbank condominium to observe her first midnight fireworks display. Before leaving, she wrote: "There are many bombs going on. Don't know how many - six, seven or eight. I want to go to the countdown and hope I am safe."

Despite her high spirits, she came back after only 10 minutes because the party had been cancelled. What could I say as a mother? "There is always next year, dear."

10pm: A friend who lives in Hong Kong called: "Nobody ever thought this would have happened in Bangkok, right?"

I spent much of the time leading up to the countdown helping and giving moral support to our Internet update team.

About midnight: I stayed awake just to hear if there were more bombs and more casualties.

New Year's Day

No need to read the horoscopes. The signs of a turbulent year ahead are all over the newspapers, Internet, and television. Hopefully, the government will react quickly and effectively enough to cure the New Year scars in the people's minds.

January 3

First day back at work, and a bomb hoax at The Nation! The bomb, according to the caller, would go off at about 4pm. The editorial department's staff were staying put and waiting for the bomb! Employees of other departments had left.

A complication in the afternoon. My daughter's school bus dropped her at my office at 4.30pm. I told her to go home immediately with my aunt. The only explanation I could give her was that they suspected there was a bomb in my office. Not a good feeling as she shot back: "So why would you stay on?"

I told her I would be fine.

At 5pm, she appeared online on MSN, asking me to come home quickly. "It's dangerous! Please come home soon." She even changed her MSN name to: "We love the King. Now there are so many bombs. Boom Boom Boom. We curse anyone who is behind the bombs never to be born again."

January 4

Yesterday we were waiting for a bomb. Today we are waiting for a "repeat coup" or "counter coup" or whatever. It turned out there was no coup. Nothing was certain, though. Nowadays, the most certain thing is uncertainty. And that our lives will never be the same.

Without a clear explanation or a clue from the government, the scars will only deepen. The Department of Mental Health said that unless the government brings the culprits to justice, the public would lose confidence; trust in the government would diminish rapidly. Doesn't the government know that it must apply the right medicine to restore confidence in people's minds?

It turns out that everybody now has adopted theory after theory of their own. Some say it's the work of lunatics, some say the southern insurgents, while others point the finger of blame at those involved in national power struggles. Prime Minister Surayud just added salt to my wounds when he admitted there would be more "threats" and asked everyone to be on alert for another two months.

Alert? Of course, we all are. Look at my 11-year-old daughter.

We are all affected, directly or indirectly - not to mention the unfortunate ones at the bomb scenes, the victims and their families.

My hairdresser has stopped riding the Skytrain. One survey says that about 30 per cent of people are avoiding public transportation.

A noodle vendor in a mall complained about slow business. One member of the sales staff at a Lotus superstore bemoaned the mounting garbage problem after dustbins were removed.

And it broke my heart to hear a security guard shouting at a small kid who left her school bag unattended. "Why you did do this? Don't you know the soldier over there is watching?"

The violence caused by clashes between the powerful has made us small people on the street pay very dearly. In our minds, fear is building up, as no one - including the authorities - can guarantee if it is safe to travel by public transport or go to markets, shopping malls and even schools.

And it has given me a greater perspective on what life is like in Thailand's deep South.

So we've got a new lifestyle - bag searching, discussions on bombs and politics, and checking the news for whether there is a bomb today and where it might have been.

After the London bombs, the suspects were arrested very quickly and the public's confidence was restored. People felt secure again. But what the Thai authorities tell us can simply be read as: "You are on your own. Be alert!"

Come to think of it, the year of fire boar reminds us to live cautiously and live life in a meaningful way.

The scars and wounds should alert the government and those in power that we won't tolerate violence and they must do something.

Please don't let the rest of our diaries be filled with more heartbreak.

Veena Thoopkrajae