"Don't fear that your parents will fail you in any way - if they offer to help, accept without any reservations," writes the associate professor who runs Sri Nakarinwirot University's early-childhood education department.

Having previously worked as a nurse,

Dr Kulaya writes with the heart of a caregiver and the hand of an academic. Her language is never clinical, but warm and personal, yet still backedup with research (mostly from the West). Her tone is genuine and reassuring without being patronising.

Kulaya, the author of 13 books and champion of many causes related to child rearing and education, insists there are advantages for everyone in grandparenting - including society at large.

"But if grandparents do not offer or refuse to do so," she cautions, "parents must accept it with understanding. Admit that they have no obligation toward raising their grandchildren."

Even if grandparents aren't involved, the affection they extend to the little ones anytime they visit is precious, Kulaya says, and most Thai grandparents want to keep very close to their grandchildren.

"You should at least always let grandparents see, hug and play with their grandchildren. If they set times for you to visit, occasionally or on a regular basis, respect that and be on time. Even one minute's wait is too long."

Kulaya stresses that such family get-togethers, if well planned and managed, are win-win situations. Grandparents benefit greatly, regardless of the degree of involvement. They are reassured about their value and kept active and stimulated. Loneliness doesn't stand a chance when children are around.

Youngsters, Kulaya notes, need emotional and intellectual nurturing as well as interaction with mature and loving adults. They also need to learn social skills.

All this is better given by grandparents, provided they are ready to assume the role, than any nanny. They're also a source of cultural wealth.

Kulaya believes it's never too late for parents to go back and build a missing relationship between grandparents and grandchildren. If any parents have decided to prevent grandparents from getting involved for fear of rivalry or spoiling, she begs them to reconsider.

Citing one study (regrettably with unidentified sources), Kulaya suggests that the fear of grandparents actually moving in with the family, if they're asked to help raise grandchildren, is completely unfounded. Only 10 per cent wish to do so - most want to stay in their own home and maintain their independence.

Kulaya offers parents several guidelines.

Relations between grandchildren and grandparents depend on what's going on between the grandchildren and their parents and, more importantly, between parents and grandparents.

The golden rule for parents, she says, is to never impose. Find out where the grandparents stand and adjust things accordingly.

Not all grandparents are available for child rearing. Some may be enjoying their leisure time elsewhere. Generally those between 45 and 55 years old and those 70 and up are less interested and less available than those in their 50s and 60s.

Some grandparents are even prepared to finance the children's education, Kulaya notes.

Newborns and the very young are best suited to be nurtured by grandparents, regardless of how often the elders are around. But if the grandparents are going to be around permanently, it's best if the children are at least seven, mature enough to understand the rationale behind it and avoid any self-doubt that might emerge from a possible sense of "abandonment" by the parents.

Kulaya advises against placing adolescents in their grandparents' care because the stress may be too much for all parties. If it proves necessary, though, both sides need to prepare well.

She completely disagrees with the notion of sending troublesome children to their grandparents to get "straightened out".

By Sukanya Hantrakul