Published on June 27, 2005

I hadn’t been in the chat room for very long when my computer screen buzzed into action.

Guy: a/s/l?

Me: 17/girl/Asia

Guy: What do you look like?

Me: Black hair, 1.67-metres

Guy: Would you like to see it?

Me: See what?

Guy: Me, would you like to see me?

Me: Ok

I stared at the screen before me, and this stranger was using his webcam. Cool, I thought. I get to see a stranger.

This guy claimed he was a soldier. He liked reading, too.

Guy: Do you have a webcam?

Me: No, I don’t.

Guy: Then you’ll just watch me then.

He stripped. I froze. It was HUGELY embarrassing.

Guy: What do you think?

Me: Wow. I got to go. Bye.

I logged in again:

Me: I think it’s inappropriate to show that on the webcam.

Guy: I thought you wanted to see it.

Me: It didn’t make me feel really good. I hope you never do that again.

Guy: Ok, I won’t, I just thought you wanted to see me.

The first time I logged on the Internet was when I was 14. It didn’t take long to get used to cyber shorthand – even a/s/l/ was easy to figure out, it stands for age/sex/location.

What sparked my interest was being able to talk to so many people without seeing their faces.

Being shy with the opposite sex, my ego would get a boost every time I chatted with a guy who complimented me on my beauty and intelligence. Eventually, I fell in love with a guy online who claimed he was 14 and confessed his love for me.

Common sense told me that he really was older than that, maybe 30.

Eventually, this guy cheated on me and ended up “marrying” another girl online (except he really wasn’t hitched, because it was a virtual marriage). It broke my heart, but as I’ve grown up, I’ve realised he couldn’t have possibly really loved me. I had created an illusion of love in which I gave my heart and soul.

Since then, I’ve continued chatting with other men online, some of whom have been either really perverted or have been cheating on their girlfriends online.

The line I remember the most is “What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”

There were really decent men online, too. I met one who was friendly and sincere. He told me: “You’re not helping any perverted guy here by being friendly with them. They’ll just think they can do that to anyone and talking to them will boost their egos.”

When I was older still, and met perverted guys online, I told them I didn’t like it. They would say they were sorry or leave me alone. It became my mission to understand their ways and try to rescue them from their perversions.

I ended my mission and abandoned perverted guys on the Internet after I met my first serious boyfriend. It was more fun to talk to a real guy instead of imagining things. Because that’s what you really do when you have a relationship with a guy online. You create illusions, hoping that one day it’ll be real.

I’m sure there are some couples who meet online and live happily ever after. I’m happy for them.

As for me, I’m over the chats and dating services online. I’ve learned to be comfortable talking to men I can see every day. There are many cute ones, too, who don’t need webcams.

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